THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

Everything is fine, until this cheeky ghost rears its ugly head and reminds you of all the ways somebody has hurt you. The beginning of my relationship with Boy wasn't easy; mixed in with the rush of fizzy love were the terrible words of too much alcohol, and a fiery temper that I had never expected to come from somebody I cared so strongly about. The odd part of the equation is that we can happily drink on our own, and all I'm left with is a memory of perfection. Giddy confessions, and summer evenings drinking cocktails will always fill my mind when I think back to last summer. But think back to the first part of my second year, and drinking with other people, and I'm reminded of the horrible arguments that lasted until five o' clock in the morning; the broken glasses, the pushing, the shoving, the complete heart ache, and the mind games that occasionally still whizz my mind into a blur of nausea and regret. Every time we argue now, these stage of us are brought up, over and over until I'm not sure whether I'm angry at the present situation, or at him for breaking me when all he was supposed to do was love me with his whole heart, like I did him. I don't know how, when you've put your whole faith into somebody and they've shattered you, you're supposed to rebuild yourself and manage to whole heartedly forgive them, whilst moving forward and never reminding them of how they treated you. Boy has apologised frequently, drunkenly, soberly, honestly and occasionally will truthfully tell me how horrified he is at himself that he once could have been that person. Yet, why can I still not let it go? Sometimes, maybe it isn't an apology that I crave, but real solid proof that I will never be confronted with his alter-ego. A shadow of him flickers across his eyes, but I know how to confront that side now. I'm beginning to think that maybe a break would allow me to miss him crazily and to prove that he really is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm too tortured by memories to fully forgive him just yet. And for now, I carry his alter-ego around, while he has shed the burden.

STANLEY, AND CHRISTMAS 2011 XO

My little Bubba has been seriously poorly lately, so we decorated him with a heart to make him feel better.

Other than my poor Bubba, I've been at Boy's all week which was wonderful, but now I'm heartsore because it's back to seeing him for two nights like every two weeks which is ridiculous. 

Sunday is a day for laziness, but I work. So it's time for bed, a cup of strawberry and mango tea, and sex and the city. Beautiful.

Night Dolls xo

BOREDOM WITHOUT BOY XO

Usually my saturdays are spent with Boy, so today I haven't really known what to do with myself. 

I took a trip to the library to stock up on books for my dissertation (definitely so bored) and then put the decorations on the tree, which is my job every christmas. Everything suddenly feels so magical, and I love rummaging through all the baubles and ornaments we've saved and collected over the years. I even found a snowman I made in nursery, from cotton wool and sequins.

My Great-Nana's angel is the only thing that we use every single year, and although she is getting more and more worn, (shall we say vintage?) I still adore her. 

Now, it must be time for Sex and the City and a cuppa.

Happy saturday Dolls xo

TEAROSEXO

I believe in true love. I write poetry as part of my degree. I smoke Mayfair cigarettes, and Camel Blue when I can afford them. We call each other Bear and Rabbit. My God-Daughter is the most adorable five year old. I have at least one cup of tea a day. I don't daydream about marriage and children, but about a wonderful job and coming home to him every night. This has been the only time where the struggles are worth it. I drink Amarula and Passoa. I've never been sure what I want to do with my life, but I know it has to be something big. I can count my best friends on one hand, and it makes me feel blessed. I feel at home in big cities. Summer is my favourite season, but Winter is magical. I wear MAC lipstick and extensions. I'm indecisive and critical of myself. I've learnt a lot, but know I will learn more. 

Welcome to my blog, Dolls xo