Monday, 19 December 2011
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST
Everything is fine, until this cheeky ghost rears its ugly head and reminds you of all the ways somebody has hurt you. The beginning of my relationship with Boy wasn't easy; mixed in with the rush of fizzy love were the terrible words of too much alcohol, and a fiery temper that I had never expected to come from somebody I cared so strongly about. The odd part of the equation is that we can happily drink on our own, and all I'm left with is a memory of perfection. Giddy confessions, and summer evenings drinking cocktails will always fill my mind when I think back to last summer. But think back to the first part of my second year, and drinking with other people, and I'm reminded of the horrible arguments that lasted until five o' clock in the morning; the broken glasses, the pushing, the shoving, the complete heart ache, and the mind games that occasionally still whizz my mind into a blur of nausea and regret. Every time we argue now, these stage of us are brought up, over and over until I'm not sure whether I'm angry at the present situation, or at him for breaking me when all he was supposed to do was love me with his whole heart, like I did him. I don't know how, when you've put your whole faith into somebody and they've shattered you, you're supposed to rebuild yourself and manage to whole heartedly forgive them, whilst moving forward and never reminding them of how they treated you. Boy has apologised frequently, drunkenly, soberly, honestly and occasionally will truthfully tell me how horrified he is at himself that he once could have been that person. Yet, why can I still not let it go? Sometimes, maybe it isn't an apology that I crave, but real solid proof that I will never be confronted with his alter-ego. A shadow of him flickers across his eyes, but I know how to confront that side now. I'm beginning to think that maybe a break would allow me to miss him crazily and to prove that he really is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I wonder if I'm too tortured by memories to fully forgive him just yet. And for now, I carry his alter-ego around, while he has shed the burden.